X-Men Apocalypse is too fucking long. Who the hell decided two and a half hours was a good length for an over-serious superhero movie? If a superhero movie is that long, it’s going to need to either be a non-stop roller coaster ride, or full of comic relief. Neither was the case here. Quicksilver and Nightcrawler provided a little comedy, but it was mostly Apocalypse being menacing, Magneto feeling tremendous man-pain, Mystique running away from her past, mutant kids trying to control their powers, and Storm/Angel/Psylocke doing almost nothing.
It was ok and all. I was worried it’d be worse. Apocalypse is someone I used to dread seeing on the X-Men cartoon. Thanks to low expectations, I’m not disappointed. Better than the third one and Wolverine Origins. That’s not particularly high praise.
I did find it interesting that almost everyone is doing a foreign accent. German Nightcrawler is Australian. American Jean Grey, Beast, and Moira are English, English, and Australian. Canadian(?) Stryker is Australian. English Xavier is Scottish. And unrelated, but the kid who plays Cyclops reminds me of that guy who was on Roswell and then played Booth’s brother on Bones.
Spoiler to follow:
- There’s a moment straight out of that Futurama episode where Fry drinks 100 cups of coffee and saves everyone from a fire with super speed.
- There’s a moment right near the end where Moira flashes on all the moments in previous movies where she fell in love Xavier. And a moment a few minutes earlier where Magneto has the exact same flashes back to moments with Xavier. Clearly, Brian Singer is in the camp that thinks Magneto is in love with Xavier, because he presented the two almost identically.
- The death toll for this movie has to be in the hundreds of millions.
- Storm, Angel, and Psylocke seriously do nothing in this movie. Storm gets a hint of a story arc, Angel gets… some lines of dialogue. Psylocke, meanwhile, is a prop. She’s as much of a character in this as Blink was in the last one. Brian Singer uses purple-themed Asian girls as props, not characters. Also that costume was not flattering on Olivia Munn. It might not be flattering on anyone.
- The post-credits thing teases a villain I dislike almost as much as Apocalypse, so… not too thrilled about that either.