Pointless Nonsense

Posted in movies by Bill on March 26, 2016

bat-v-supermanSuperman v Batman: Dawn of Justice is some bullshit.

In some ways, it’s exactly the Batman/Superman movie I was afraid Zack Snyder would make. Batman is a man on the edge and Superman is bleh and it incorporates moments from notable comics but lacks the context to give the moments any weight. Things look cool, but they don’t assemble together to form a story I care about.

It’s also way too long. About 20 minutes of unnecessary dream sequences, and another 15 minutes of teasers for future movies. If you removed literally every scene with Wonder Woman in it, the story is unaffected. She opens a laptop to watch teaser trailers for other movies. Like, that’s the kind of shit you throw in a post-credits scene, not in the middle of a story (though I hate post-credits scenes, but that’s another matter). But the sad thing is I’ll probably end up seeing all their stupid movies on opening weekend. Because I am a sucker.

Spoilers:

  • I actually liked Affleck’s performance as Batman. He and Jeremy Irons could have made an excellent Batman movie together. With, you know, better writers and a better director. I didn’t like how much Batman drank. Or that it was important to show us that he slept with some woman, but not important enough to even show her face. Or how often he used guns (dream sequence, Batmobile, Superman fight, and used a couple henchmen’s guns in his big solo fight scene). Or him killing people, because Zack Snyder loves having “I don’t kill” superheroes kill people in his movies. It’s edgy!
  • Somewhere buried in here is 2/3 of a good sequel to Man of Steel. Everything’s all wrecked, weren’t we better off without Kryptonians on Earth? Lex Luthor pushes the government and the public to reject Superman, and then Superman starts to question himself. In the end, he does a big great thing and proves to everyone that he’s a force for good and hope and all that. But they inserted all the Batman stuff, which just distracts from that potential sequel. And the ultimate resolution still leaves the question open, since the big enemy turns out to be Kryptonian too./li>
  • The Batman story definitely feels like it was conceived after the the Superman one and added on later. He has one exchange with Alfred which raises a big, interesting question that, much like the issue of whether we were better off without Kryptonians, is left ultimately unanswered. Paraphrased: “Superman could kill us all if he wants to. If there’s even a 1% chance that he would, we need to do something about it.” That is ultimately Batman’s logic for taking him on. Which, ok, from a certain point of view I can see an angry Batman thinking that way. But that’s a big question that needs to be resolved for Batman to decide to cooperate with Superman, right? And not just “oh wow, our moms have the same first name!” (I know that was supposed to be a realization that he has human parents, that he’s as human as he is alien, but whatever).
  • I get that that was supposed to be an epiphany moment, but to go straight from that to mourning him at a private funeral like you actually knew the guy? Bullshit. The movie didn’t earn that at all.
  • My assumption that the movie was written in different stages would explain why Lex is all over the map. Was his plan to manipulate the government against Superman? To manipulate Batman against Superman? To get access to Kryptonian technology? To create a weird clone? He had crazy amounts of information and worked Joker-like magic to get pieces in the right places to do things. But I have no idea what his goal was. None whatsoever.
  • I was ready to flip my shit at the implication that Bruce Wayne wouldn’t send his disabled employee money for a nicer wheelchair or any of that. But thankfully they rescued that later on.
  • The thing of having a nuked Superman appear lifeless until the sun hits him was executed so much better in The Dark Knight Returns. Like, it was all of 10 seconds, so they never really built up any drama about it. Not that they really could, I mean they’ve already announced Justice League movie plans, and it would be silly to make a big production about Superman dying when we know he’ll be back so soon… wouldn’t it?
  • Doomsday looks 100% like a cave troll from Lord of the Rings when he first comes out.
  • I have no idea how they’ll explain Batman’s psychic dreams about parademons and time travelling Flash. Speed force magic or something? Bullshit.
  • And apparently the Justice League will be formed because Bruce has a hunch. What a dumbass line. Would it have been to hard to just say like “There have to be more of you, and they won’t all be on our side” or something?
  • The Batman/Superman fight desperately needed old one-armed Ollie fucking it up.
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