Terminator: Genisys is the stupid title of the next installment in the Terminator franchise, which I saw because I was bored on my day off and had nothing better to do. This one stars Emilia Clarke as Sarah Connor (she is super hot with dark hair, but that’s kinda canceled out by the American accent, and it’s hard to try to live up to T2 Linda Hamilton), the guy from The Chicago Code as future John Connor (I never liked him that much), and Reggie Cleveland Group member Jai Courtney as Kyle Reese (he’s ok I guess but nothing special). Schwarzenegger returns, with some plot gymnastics to explain him being old.
And those plot gymnastics also make the already messed up timeline into a complete disaster. I considered shouting “what the fuck is that?” at least twice during the movie. I think they saw the Star Trek reboot, and thought “hey let’s do that with the Terminator franchise, except instead of like those other franchises where they try to simplify continuity, let’s make it even more complicated!” Spoilers to follow:
It starts in the future, retelling the events that lead Kyle Reese to go back to ’84 in the first one. Just as he’s about to jump, he sees that one Doctor Who guy reveal himself as a Terminator and attack John Connor. That was all pretty cool, but when he gets to ’84, instead of being some regular lady, Sarah’s a badass because she’s had a good guy Terminator with her since she was 9, because of another Terminator Skynet sent to kill her even earlier. Which, they say some mysterious benefactor sent the good Terminator to protect her, and then never reveal who that is. But given that they subsequently shit all over the timeline, they can’t even really reveal that in a sequel or anything, because the future he came from doesn’t exist anymore.
And then there’s also the evil T1 Terminator in ’84, and a bonus T-1000, because I guess time travel is pretty trivial now and they’re sending stuff back willy nilly. And evil-infected-by-Terminator-nanobots-or-something John Connor (a development they apparently spoiled everywhere… I dodged the trailers, but looking for the above image I see that it was revealed on the posters even) travels back in time too. Who they encounter in 2017, because they travel forward from ’84 for the dumbest reason ever (that’s when Skynet aka Genesys comes online, according to Kyle’s memory, so rather than stop it well in advance they skip ahead to like a day before it launches?). So by not being in 1984, it seems like John Connor is never conceived in this timeline, or at least not on time. The movie ends with the events of all previous movies either overwritten or erased, but with Kyle presumably about to bang Sarah. Any kid they might have would be essentially John’s sibling though and not actually John. And a different age too.
And John Connor not being conceived in ’84, along with Sarah not being around in the 90s, means that the original Judgement Day date should happen in 1990-something, since Sarah and John aren’t there. Kyle might remember it happening in 2017, but they’ve already fucked up the timeline that leads him to that conclusion (they have some bullshit explanation for why he’s getting memories from alternate timelines, but that is total bullshit). So really they should have arrived in 2017 to see a Skynet created by Miles Dyson 20 years earlier. Unless the sequel becomes like the unseen events that have to happen after first Bill and Ted movie, where they have to do the time traveling to explain the trash can falling on that guy’s head, and they travel back to ’84 so Sarah can give birth to a kid, and then to the 90s to prevent that Judgement Day. Though they still have to explain who sent Arnold back to the 70s or 60s or whatever.
Also Kyle remembers getting Genesys as a birthday present. Which is really weird. It seems to be a phone app or phone OS for tying all your devices together, and it immediately blows up the world upon release. So I guess his parents thought a pre-order of a new phone app would be a good gift for some reason? I’m a total loser computer nerd, and even I would have considered that a bullshit birthday gift.