Pointless Nonsense

Posted in tv by Bill on March 5, 2015

csi-cyberCSI: Cyber sounded too hilarious, given the franchise’s history with technology, to not at least give the pilot a shot.

Patricia Arquette is a profiler who leads a division of nerds.Fat Neil from Community is a white hat hacker, Lil Bow Wow is the black hat guy who got caught and is working for them to avoid prison, some kinda cute Asian girl is like the social media person or something (which is a little bit of an extremely gendered choice, can’t have a girl be a real hacker), and James Van Der Beek is the FBI agent trying to act all badass and he’s not actually terrible at it but I can’t help but see him as his Apartment 23 self and find it silly.

They work in an office with about 20 computers, but enough network cables for a pretty sizeable data center. About a dozen bundles of cables as thick as the barrel of a baseball bat.

Despite all that network cable, they keep going to places physically. Like, to examine some company’s code that might have a security flaw in it, Fat Neil has to hook his laptop directly to this company’s servers for some reason.

Van Der Beek is somehow crucial in catching the bad guys by throwing a ball full of cameras into the bad guy’s hideout. Which… helps somehow? I don’t have the first clue what that was supposed to do for them. The bad guys just go “what the hell is this ball?” and pick it up just after it lands, then they just crash a truck into the walls of their hideout. So… great job with that camera ball, that made all the difference.

They show some code pieces, some of which is real-looking code. But also there’s some that repeats the line “{replicate}” over and over again instead of just using a loop or something. Somehow regular code appears in green text but malware is in red text. That auto-malware-source-code-detection software seems like it’d be pretty valuable to have.

They have a virtual medical examiner, which is halfway between Minority Report and holodeck.

They use “I Can See for Miles” as the theme song, which is fairly appropriate as far as Who songs for computer forensics goes, but I might have gone with “The Real Me.” Pete Townshend must be making serious money off this franchise, doesn’t the songwriter get a royalty for like every airing of a show with his theme song?

Anyway, even aside from all the tech stuff, the pilot is a mess. The characters are flat, the plot is a mess, the performances are wooden (Patricia Arquette may have to give back that oscar). Avoid at all costs.

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