Pointless Nonsense

Posted in movies by Bill on November 8, 2014

47ronin-rinkoMore random movies that I kinda expected to suck:

  • Hyde Park on Hudson is about FDR’s supposedly romantic relationship with his 6th cousin. With Bill Murray as FDR and Laura Linney as the cousin. Who the hell knows who their 6th cousin is anyway? That’s like your grandparent’s 4th cousin’s grandkid. I had elderly relatives who were super into genealogy stuff, but I was never introduced to anyone who was more remote than a 2nd cousin once removed. I’m sure I’ve met a 6th cousin though, because much of my family is clustered together geographically, and if each person averaged 2 kids, which I suspect is a low estimate, you’d have 2048 of them, though some might be the same person. Which raises the question of… if your mother’s mother’s mother’s mother’s mother’s mother is the sister of your father’s father’s father’s father’s father’s father, does that make you your own sixth cousin? This has nothing to do with the movie. They kinda lost me at Laura Linney giving FDR a really awkward handjob, and I just decided this movie wasn’t for me.
  • Wreck-it Ralph is the Toy Story but with video game characters movie. Its not Pixar good but it’s still enjoyable. I want to say around Shrek 2 quality, which is a movie I remember enjoying somewhat, but I couldn’t tell you a thing about what happened in the movie, so it couldn’t have been great. They got the rights to use some video game characters, which lead to some weird stuff. There’s a support group for villains, and they have a Diablo type character, M. Bison, Bowser, Clyde the Pac-Man ghost and for some reason Zangief? He’s not a bad guy is he? M. Bison, sure, and I figured all the NPCs like Balrog and Sagat would be villains, but not the playable ones. I’m sure some of the movie/tv adaptations turned him into a bad guy (I never even saw that one live action movie, or the Kristin Kreuk one), but he’s not a bad guy in the games. Is it just because he’s Russian? The cold war has been over for decades, I think we should be past the Russophobia by now.
  • 47 Ronin takes the traditional Japanese story of 48 people killing themselves but eventually proving a point about corruption and honor, and turns it into the story of a half=white guy raised by demons who helps a bunch of samurai save the girl he loves from a bad guy who uses evil magic. About all that remains of the original story is the names of a few particulars, Asano’s seppuku, the resulting ronin wanting revenge, and being granted the dignity of suicide themselves after they get it. Rinko Kikuchi, it turns out, joins Ruth Wilson and Amy Acker in the “way hotter when crazy and evil” club, as she plays a witch of some sort. She’s got like lopsided hair and different colored eyes and dark lipstick and it is nice (pictured). But yeah the movie is pretty bad. I still watched it in its entirety, because I figured the monster fights were sometimes cool, and there might be more hot crazy Rinko Kikuchi at any moment.
  • 42 is the Jackie Robinson biopic from a couple years back. It’s pretty hokey, and contains some weird bending of the truth. Most of them are just Hollywood-isms to make the story flow better or make it more emotional. But Leo Durocher (Christopher Meloni) is suspended in the movie because he has an affair with a married actress and the commissioner doesn’t want to upset the Catholics, when in reality (though he did bang and eventually marry that actress) he was suspended for associating with gamblers (which may not have been the case, the accusations spun out of a fight with the owner of the Yankees). And they changed the location of Dodgers’ spring training. For no reason whatsoever, as far as I can tell. Anyway aside from those complaints, and the CG ball they use which look fake as hell, it’s pretty ok. Harrison Ford gives an amusingly lousy performance as Branch Rickey, he’s basically playing generic crusty old man. And Chadwick Boseman is pretty good, I can totally see him as Marvel’s Black Panther.
  • 2 Guns stars Mark Wahlberg and Denzel Washington and is based on a comic I read but forgot about. There’s a twist that was spoiled in the trailer that could have been interesting, but they didn’t really frame it in the movie to be a big surprise anyway. Paula Patton is in it and has a topless scene, which is pretty nice. But also when clothed she seemed like she had a lot more going on, which is I guess a testament to bra technology. The movie as a whole is just fine for what it is, a buddy action/comedy thing.
  • Fruitvale Station is about Oscar Grant, a guy who got shot by police in Oakland in 2008. It pretty much only exists to humanize a guy who I’m sure was thought of as a thug by a lot of people who heard about the shooting. Which is kinda messed up when you think about it, because there was video of the shooting and it was really disturbing. Plot-wise it’s pretty boring, it’s just some guy who’s had a rough couple years trying to go out for New Year’s Eve. Michael B. Jordan is good in it, though.
  • Nature Calls is the incredibly generic title for a comedy I’d never heard of starring Patton Oswalt, Johnny Knoxville, Rob Riggle, and Maura Tierney. Which was enough to make me curious about it. I only made it 20 minutes in, it is horribly unfunny. Maura Tierney still looks good, though, despite being 47 when this was filmed and a cancer survivor. She put some weight back on after that show with Rob Morrow and grew her hair out some.
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