Pointless Nonsense

Posted in tv by Bill on April 15, 2012

The first of two (I think) SG-1 TV movies and season 4 of Atlantis, and this seems to go a lot faster when I’m only doing one series at a time. After this, one more season to go. I may give Stargate Universe a shot, but

SG-1: Ark of Truth

  • The first TV movie is about the quest for an ancient thing that will magically make people stop believing in the Ori.
  • Carter is rocking a ponytail that looks pretty great, even though she’s probably in her mid 40s by this point. I don’t even remember the last time I thought she was all that good looking
  • They’re assigned a douchey government overseer guy who plans to plant a replicator among the Ori, but it obviously gets lose on the ship, so now there’s that.
  • Anyway, Morgan Le Fey beats Morena Baccarin.

Atlantis: 3.20:

  • Jewel Staite! Finally! She is, as I guessed, the new doctor. And still hot.
  • Also added is the shaved head mustachioed black guy from Third Watch who voiced Mr. Terrific on Justice League Unlimited, who had a short and pointless appearance in the Ark of Truth movie too, which seemed random now but makes a little more sense. He’s the captain of the new fancy ship that Earth has. I don’t know how they think we could afford to make all this insanely expensive stuff.
  • Unfortunately, this episode, which should be about the new doctor trying on a variety of outfits and possibly making out with some other hot chyx, is actually about a plan to attack the David Ogden Stiers replicators who made the duplicate Atlantis. Which is a bad idea.
  • Somehow this eventually involves flying the city. Fortunately, some people are injured, so Jewel Staite gets a little more screen time. Also, they end up stranded in space, no idea where they are, Weir might be dead, and they’re all screwed (or as screwed as can be, in a season finale that will be followed by more seasons).

Atlantis: 4.01:

  • Weir’s on Jewel Staite’s operating table (making scrubs and surgical cap look hot, btw), and it’s her real face. So unless the actress really had nothing better to do than showing up to play her character comatose for a few minutes before dying, she’s going to pull through.
  • Wait, except I don’t think I saw her in the opening credits, but I did see Amanda Tapping. So I know nothing. Also, Jewel Staite isn’t in the credits, which blows. Hopefully she’ll be added at some point. She should be the main focus of the show, dammit!
  • With the shields keeping the atmosphere in, and power failing on the station, they get to do the “closing the hatch to save the sub but drowning crewmen stuck on the other side” thing as they retract the shield to save power. Except it’s an automated station thing, not really being done intentionally.
  • It sounds like Weir might have horrific brain damage, so maybe she’s showing up to have a dramatic, weak, farewell speech before dying.
  • I feel like the show got a budget or effects upgrade, because they’re doing quite a few zero-g effects, fancy graphics with the retraction of the shield, and a space battle sorta thing where they get in a bunch of puddle jumpers to shoot asteroids before they collide with the ship.
  • The brilliant and sexy Jewel Staite comes up with a plan to save Weir by reactivating the dormant replicators in her. So she’s like half robot or something.

Atlantis: 4.02:

  • So the plan is to restore power by going to the replicator homeworld to steal ZPMs to power the station.
  • Weir, being half robot, can run interference and try to hide their presence or whatever, allowing the heist to succeed. But she ends up having to sacrifice herself. Whether she’s going to die or end up semi-evil like that guy with Rainbow in his name from season 1, I don’t know.
  • Carter and Third Watch guy show up just as they’re about to die while escaping, and now everyone (but Weir) is safely on Atlantis, looking for a new planet to land the city on where Weir wouldn’t think to look for her.

Atlantis: 4.03:

  • Completely unsurprisingly, Carter’s picked as the new head of Atlantis.
  • Khal Drogo meets up with that B-movie martial arts guy who hosts Iron Chef and some kinda hot girl, who are other people who escaped from his home planet I guess. They have a plan to do something to the wraith that totally sounds like a setup for a double cross. And after a while, we eventually get to the double cross.

Atlantis: 4.04:

  • Shepherd touches an unknown crystal and gets knocked back. This means a visit to Dr. Jewel Staite! Also, though he checks out fine and claims to be fine, he’s making blue energy crap happen when he touches other people, so obviously bad things are afoot.
  • Teyla’s having nightmares, and kinda cute blonde shrink is now a redhead.
  • Teyla gives it to Jewel Staite, so hooray for more screen time!
  • Aw, now-redheaded shrink died.
  • So the infection from the crystal only lives in one person at a time, but it messes with anyone’s dreams it’s touched. So there’s a whole dream fighting thing that kinda sucks, and they obviously win.

Atlantis: 4.05:

  • There appears to be no Jewel Staite in this episode, so to fulfill the hot girl quotient, Jill Wagner in a kinda low-cut top leads a group of space pirates or something kidnap Shepard from out of a jumper.
  • They have an old broken down ancient cruiser and they want his help to actually use it. But of course he doesn’t like being kidnapped so he tries to sabotage them and signal Atlantis, accidentally signaling wraith too.
  • They defeat the wraith and he manages to talk his way into being let go, but not before he gets to make out with the hot girl. It seems like they’re trying to set her up as a Vash on TNG/Christina Hendricks on Firefly/Catwoman sort of recurring villain/love interest.

Atlantis: 4.06:

  • McKay wakes up tied to a chair with amnesia, and a video from himself instructing him to find Teyla. Flash back to… before, and people are contracting some kind of disease. Which means consulting with a hot doctor, so I already like this episode.
  • Man, Khal Drogo makes Jewel Staite look like a midget, but she’s 5’5″. And I guess he’s only an inch taller than me. Sometimes I forget I’m kind of a giant.
  • Anyway, the disease obviously causes the amnesia, and they figure out how to cure it. The end.

Atlantis: 4.07:

  • Jewel Staite and Teyla go to visit Teyla’s people, but they’re all gone. Instead, they find people who’s name sounds kinda like Uruk-hai picking over the remains of the village. And Danny Trejo is in the guest star credits, so that’s cool.
  • Apparently Jewel Staite’s character is a total pussy, because she’s afraid to walk over a rope bridge and constantly complaining about a twisted ankle. Which, while annoying, may also make her hotter, since I am also a total pussy.
  • They get captured and brought to Danny Trejo, leader of the not uruk-hai. Teyla’s talked up how evil and savage these people are. And they appear to be all dudes, so if this were a darker show, the chances of them getting raped would be quite high. Instead, they get tied up and put in a rickety wooden cage and soon escape.
  • They get away and back to Atlantis, but it ends on a cliffhanger of sorts, as Jewel Staite has found something troubling from examining Teyla. She’s either dying or pregnant, I guess. Probably pregnant. They mentioned she had a dude among her people she wanted to bang, but it wasn’t clear if she’d already banged him.

Atlantis: 4.08:

  • The previouslies indicate the return of the wraith that Shepard escaped torture with, the replicators, Teyla’s mystery condition, the disappearance of her people, and a guy Jewel Staite saved last episode who turned out to probably be the one who sold Teyla’s people out.
  • So Teyla wants to go to a planet with a psychic to find out what happened to her people. And Robert Picardo shows up to give Carter a performance review on her first few months in charge. During which she hasn’t really done much. Except grow her hair out into a ponytail, which I kinda like.
  • The psychic is some old guy, but he does have a hot daughter.
  • Teyla is indeed pregnant, but hasn’t told anyone nor have we figured out who the father is.
  • The wraith guy Shepard was tortured with proposes working together to attack the wraith, which apparently won’t be resolved this episode.
  • The psychic guy dies, and Robert Picardo heads home with, as could be expected, a reluctant respect for how Carter runs things.

Atlantis: 4.09:

  • Scary dudes with guns break into McKay’s sister’s house and take her for some reason, so McKay, Shepard, and Khal Drogo for some reason head to Earth to investigate.
  • Apparently someone was snooping on her email, which included correspondence about fancy math and technology with McKay. Because, for smart people, they are total idiots.
  • Anyway, the guy that abducts them is made suddenly sympathetic when it turns out he wants to save his sick daughter. So, that’s kinda boring.
  • The guy forcibly injected medical nanites into McKay’s sister, the nanites don’t work right and she’ll soon die or lose all her memories, so they have to bring their wraith collaborator to Earth to help figure out how to stop them. But the wraith guy hasn’t fed, so they have to feed the kidnapper to him in order to fix the nanite problem.

Atlantis: 4.10:

  • The gate isn’t working, and also a random device falls out of the sky and crashes into a room in the city. Because they are apparently stupid, they hook it up to computers to figure out what it is. Jewel Staite hides a screen when scanning Shepard for nanites, so apparently the whole city is infected with them, to the point that it can control people’s personalities.
  • It appears that Jewel and Deputy Andy are the leaders of a presumably nanite conspiracy to take over the city (and they are also presumably responsible for the gate not working).
  • Ah, apparently they’re all replicator duplicates in a duplicate Atlantis. Only McKay, Shepard, Teyla, and Khal Drogo didn’t know they were replicators. Also, they made a new Weir.
  • Random aside: when people want to test to see if someone’s a changeling, or replicator, or infected with nanites, they grab a knife and cut deeply into the palm of their hand. Who would do that? Why not a little prick of the finger, or a cut on your thigh or somewhere that wouldn’t be a constant annoyance like the middle of your hand.
  • So the ones who made duplicate Atlantis weren’t the totally evil kind, they were the ones that wanted to ascend. But the episode ends up with dupe-Jewel Staite giving McKay what he needs to track all the replicator ships. Of which there are a lot. And they’re killing humans as a strategy to defeat the wraith (eliminate their food supply and the Wraith go away). Which is quite smart. Albeit dickish.

Atlantis: 4.11:

  • Zane from Eureka shows up as the guy radio-ing in a report when suddenly he gets killed.
  • Skinner and Third Watch guy both show up to get a report on the new replicator ship tracking.
  • Some stuff happens and they run into the kinda hot space pirate chick from a few episodes back.
  • While fiddling with nanites, McKay makes, for some reason, a hot girl.
  • Hot girl and McKay come up with a plan that eventually results in a giant blob of replicators sinking to the core of a planet and imploding. I think they blew the entire season’s budget on it.
  • And the teaser in the end is that replicator Weir is pleased that these other replicators are dead, and can no begin her evil plan.

Atlantis: 4.12:

  • That one wraith guy that was working with them stole 3 ZPMs from the replicator city before it destroyed as some sort of master plan, the details of which we don’t yet know.
  • The Atlantis folks find a disabled wraith ship with a map of a “secret wraith outpost” or something. Which is likely all part of the master plan of the wraith guy (who is now known as Todd).
  • In the end, I found his plan stupid and I didn’t care.

Atlantis: 4.13:

  • Teyla is abruptly noticeably pregnant, Rodney’s going to ask the botanist chick to marry him (with the tiniest diamond ever), Carter and Czech guy are riding an elevator, and I think Khal Drogo might get to bang Jewel Staite, when suddenly the whole city goes on lockdown due, presumably because of the episode title, some kind of automated quarantine.
  • They lampshade the potential for Teyla to go into labor while trapped with Shepard, but I don’t think they’re going to do it.
  • They don’t, and McKay bails on proposing because of how he flipped out during the crisis

Atlantis: 4.14:

  • Shepard and McKay visit a planet that’s for some reason run by two hot sisters who seem into Shepard. They say their third sister needs help, and McKay, fresh off almost proposing, calls dibs. Except she turns out to be like 12.
  • Pervy note: I thought maybe the actress who plays the younger sister might be hot now, but I forget I’ve caught up so much that this is only 4 years ago. She’s 17 now, and apparently was in a Twilight movie.
  • Little sister is a brat, and people are trying to kill her because she’s due to be the next queen, and McKay and Shepard end up stuck out in the woods with her.
  • They obviously take out the people trying to kill her, she gets crowned, and they get an end-of-Star Wars award ceremony thing with an amusing portrait.

Atlantis: 4.15:

  • After Kevin Weisman (Marshall from Alias) was on Fairly Legal this past week, I now can’t help but notice McKay’s eerie similarity to Marshall. The stop-and-start speech patterns, the tech guy who comes up with cool new toys for the ass-kickers to use, the awkwardness with the ladies, suddenly acquiring a love interest partway through the series, they’re general cowardice but bravery when it counts. etc. But mostly the speech pattern. (and I had to check when these shows started to make sure I was accusing the right show of doing the ripping off). The only significant difference between the characters is McKay’s arrogance.
  • Anyway, Shepard’s father dies, so he goes to the funeral with Khal Drogo for some reason. There he runs into Kari Wuhrer, his ex-wife, and this girl as the kinda hot (and oddly young) protege of the guy that kidnapped McKay and his sister. She and her people built a replicator that got loose. So, oops.
  • And the rest of the episode is basically chasing the replicator down.
  • And it turns out the improbably young hot protege girl is a replicator too but maybe didn’t even know she was one. But not evil, so for safety’s sake, they stick her consciousness in a virtual world. Of course, there’s no way she’s going to figure out she’s not in the real world, get pissed off about it, and come back for revenge (either by building a new body or by becoming a sentient computer virus).

Atlantis: 4.16:

  • Some new bigwig is interviewing the Atlantis people one by one, so to prepare Khal Drogo to not piss anybody off, Carter recruits Teal’c to give him some pointers. Teal’c’s hair is all long now and it looks weird.
  • They don’t get along and they fight, obviously. They then end up stuck together in a 24 hour quarantine on their way to Earth, which I’m sure will have all the hallmarks of a sitcom-characters-locked-together-in-a-closet storyline.
  • On, instead, there’s a Wraith plot that it looks like is going to break into the series of gates that link the milky way to Pegasus. But of course they have to hit the midway station where Teal’c and Khal Drogo are, so I’m expecting 25 minutes of them killing Wraith. Which bonds them just as well as being cooped up together.

Atlantis: 4.17:

  • Carter joins McKay and Jewel Staite on a mission to do so negotiating for something, when they all fall through a fragile patch of ground into some underground bunker type thing.
  • McKay comes up with a genius escape plan that involves them removing their clothes to use as rope, and it almost happens, but Carter had to go and find real rope.
  • They try a couple plans, the first involving throwing up a grappling hook, the second involving a ridiculously unstable stack of boxes and boards, and the third involving a homemade cannon that totally wouldn’t have worked (at least as far as firing a rod like a spear). Neither pans out particularly well.
  • Almost dying causes them to stumble into a way out, and apparently my previous thought that Khal Drogo would bang Jewel Staite was wrong, as she now very clearly is interested in McKay.

Atlantis: 4.18:

  • Teyla is having psychic dreams about her missing baby daddy. Which everyone is dismissive of, but these episodes never end up with “oh, your crazy psychic dreams were nothing, the end.”
  • Elsewhere, the wraith beacon that means the wraith they worked with wants something (or it’s a trap). So they send the main team there while Teyla takes off with Deputy Andy and gets captured by the engineer from Enterprise. He’s invented a way to make it so Wraith don’t need to feed, and somehow that’s part of his plan to build an army of monsters and destroy the Wraith.
  • Anyway, there’s a whole thing, and they think they’re rescuing Teyla, but they actually find Scottish doctor. Who I’m now struggling to remember how he died. Hopefully this doesn’t mean less Jewel Staite.

Atlantis: 4.19:

  • I do now remember how he died, but it turns out this guy is a duplicate. Or the one that died was a duplicate. But not a replicator one, they’re still trying to iron out what happened.
  • Teyla gets reunited with her people in prison.
  • This new Scottish doctor is apparently a clone, aged and given the real doctor’s memories using technology the writers made up to allow them to put that plot twist at the end of that episode. Because the rules they made up for their cloning technology say so, he’s dying.
  • Engineer from Enterprise is going Mr. Sinister, believing that Teyla’s baby, as the child of two people with a little bit of Wraith DNA, will be super awesome.
  • They take Scottish doctor and rescue Teyla’s people, who do not seem even slightly surprised to see him. If they said somewhere that they were being held in the same place as cloned doctor, I missed it.
  • They free the people, I think, but not Teyla, and Scottish doctor clone goes into stasis, hoping for a cure to his dying.

Atlantis: 4.20:

  • Shepard gets sent forward in time in the same way SG-1 once went to the 60s. He has nothing but a hologram version of McKay to help him get back, and also to explain how bad things went in the Shepard-less timeline they’re hoping to erase by sending him back. Kind of a Days of Future Past, given the recent X-Men-ness of all this.
  • And this entire episode just sets up how bad it would be if they don’t save Teyla (and her baby) from Enterprise engineer. And then end on the cliffhanger of Shepard taking them to where future McKay said Teyla would be, and they set off a trap and appear to all die. Whether they secretly escape, or resolve this through more time travel, I dunno. To be continued next season…
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