Pointless Nonsense

Posted in tv by Bill on March 16, 2012

I thought there were 11 seasons of SG-1, but it’s actually 10. There are some TV movies and things listed in some places as “season 11,” but this is actually it for the series.

On Atlantis, the continuing lack of Jewel Staite is starting to bug the crap out of me. But it’ll be a pleasant surprise when she does show up.

SG-1: 10.1:

  • A break for a few British shows left me a bit lost, but the previouslies caught me up nicely. In the few seconds between seasons, Teal’c’s hair’s changed noticeably. Also, the Farscape girl’s been added to the cast, so that’s good.
  • Farscape chick gives birth to a daughter, who is aging rapidly. She looks about 5 and it’s probably only been a couple hours. Hopefully they find a hot actress to play the daughter at 18-ish and the aging stops then. Anyway, it looks like the daughter is some sort of prophesized super child, and Farscape chick’s job will be to convince her to switch over to the human side.
  • For some reason, the invincible Ori fleet just turned around and left or something, so the “everyone’s going to die unless we find the grail” scenario was ended for basically no reason.
  • Jackson, meanwhile, had the most bullshit ridiculous story ever, randomly teleporting onto an Ori ship just as the earth ship he was on was being destroyed (he had no idea it was being destroyed, he just heard a big boom and saw sparks, but basically the same kinda boom/sparks you get any time a scifi ship is hit with any weapon). And as luck would have it, he’s on the same Ori ship as Farscape chick.
  • Teal’c also gets miraculously saved from a ship mid-destruction by a last minute teleportation.
  • But basically nothing happens.

SG-1: 10.2:

  • So now the quest for the grail picks up again, and some stuff is happening but I’m having a hard time concentrating. Something about an infection. Also, Vala, whose name I think I’m going to remember now, is having to pass a psych eval to go on missions.
  • They do not die of the infection and Vala passes the test.

SG-1: 10.2:

  • The grail search leads them to Atlantis, so… crossover. Jackson and Vala do a database search while everyone else is working on a project to take over the supergate.
  • Conveniently, Morgan le Fay tells them almost exactly what they need to know, and the supergate thing not only works perfectly, but through blind luck takes out an Ori ship when the gate opens.

Atlantis: 3.03:

  • Richard Kind guest stars as a kinda backwards dude who for some reason has a bunch of hot wives and everyone thinks he’s super interesting. It looks like he might have a likability drug, not unlike Iggy Catalpa (if anyone reads this, no one will get that reference). Eventually, everyone but Shepard thinks he’s great (and Weir wants to bang him).
  • And then they find the antidote and kick him out and everything’s back to normal.

SG-1: 10.4:

  • Ba’al just randomly flies into Earth, offering intel in exchange for SG-1’s assistance in killing off all his clones. Instead, they start collecting Ba’als like crazy.
  • Sadly, they have need for a medical character, but do not use Lexa Doig. I think she might be done. And this other doctor is not very attractive.
  • It has not apparently occurred to anyone that all these Ba’als are Goa’ulds, which means there could be a Ba’al that doesn’t look like the others. And no one’s noticing that this one government guy is acting like a dick.
  • They do, after Ba’al’s plan works perfectly, realize the guy is being a dick, but they’re convinced he was brainwashed. Why couldn’t Ba’al have just ditched the South African (?) guy and inhabited government guy?

Atlantis: 3.4:

  • Khal Drogo, having been the tough guy of few words with no story to speak of since being introduced, gets to be the featured guy in an episode finally. They unknowingly visit a planet he’s been to before, with the wraith on his tail, and the people there turn him in. He’s apparently the wraith’s favorite guy to hunt for sport, so they put him back in a Running Man sorta thing, but with even more action movie cliches. Predator thermal vision, cool guys don’t look at explosions, flashbacks to the now-dead girl he used to bang to motivate him to kill more bad guys, bad guys with terrible aim, “I’ve just killed 200 of your best men, so you should obviously face me one on one”, all that stuff.

SG-1: 10.5:

  • New guy gets to vacation with Beau Bridges at O’Neill’s lake cabin. Which is a terrible idea for an episode, so something horrible is going to happen soon, I hope. Ah, good, spooky music and a blue-tinted POV shot from the woods.
  • The rest of SG-1 would be there, except they’re going to hunt for a rare and deadly creature. Decent chance this ends up connected to the blue-tinted POV creature at the cabin in the woods.
  • Bonus! Hot Vancouver series regular Keegan Connor Tracy shows up here as a xenobiologist or something, examining the possibly dead body of the rare and deadly creature. And she wears kinda workplace inappropriate pink shiny lipstick/gloss, not that I’m really complaining.
  • And the two things are related, so they kill them all. They’re like mutated bears or something.

Atlantis: 3.5:

  • They find a gate address that leads to a place that looks a lot like Atlantis. Except much larger. Apparently they’re a sect of Ancients who fell out with the rest of them, and chose not to ascend.
  • But David Ogden Stiers, who plays their leader, is a total dick and locks them up.
  • They escape all too easily, and suddenly there’s a massive wraith attack that leads to an Atlantis evacuation. It’s an obvious “this will all be a dream or holodeck or something” scenario, made all the most obvious when they activate the Atlantis self-destruct.
  • It turns out to be some kinda mind attack by David Ogden Stiers, who is a replicator like the thing that made a copy of Carter way back when. It sounds like they’re interested in ascension, which, as my least-favorite part of the Stargate universe, makes this a potentially awful episode.
  • Some still do want to ascend, but David Ogden Stiers wants to destroy Atlantis. So they blow up the ship, almost all the replicator people, and escape. They try to keep the one guy around who was nice to them, but he turns evil again and they airlock him. The episode ends with the evil-again guy floating in space.

Atlantis: 3.6:

  • Dr. Weir wakes up in the psych ward outside DC, being told she’s crazy and imagined all of the first two seasons (plus her brief stint on SG-1 played by a blonde actress). These kinds of episodes never work, because we, the viewers, are quite aware that the producers of the show won’t erase the entire series’ history from the show’s reality. So we just sit around and wait until the protagonist finds the source of this imagined reality and finds a way out.
  • Eventually they reveal that the replicator guy from the last episode infected her with nanites just before they got rid of him, and she’s been in a coma fighting them off. And then, predictably, by choosing to reject the false reality, she defeats the nanites in her system.

SG-1: 10.6:

  • Willie Garson returns for advice on his script for the feature version of his TV show inspired by the stargate program. The writers are having way too much fun with the meta-jokes. But some of them, mostly the ones that poke fun at the show’s technobabble and how they dealt with Richard Dean Anderson leaving, are actually quite funny.
  • This is also, I think, the 200th episode. New guy makes a big deal about this being his 200th trip through the gate, which I assume is also a Meta thing.
  • They have a zombie thing, a Star Trek thing, a Farscape thing, a Wizard of Oz thing, a version of SG-1 with puppets, a Teal’c detective thing (with the voice of Isaac Hayes), and the teen soap version of SG-1

SG-1: 10.7:

  • My hopes that they’d find a hot actress to play Farscape-chick’s Ori daughter are fulfilled, as Morena Baccarin is now playing the part. Sadly, she has orange eyes, so that’s less hot.
  • This episode is titled “Counterstrike,” but it does not appear that David Schwimmer will be making an appearance.
  • The actual content of the episode is a combination of Ori machinations and Jaffa politics, two of my least favorite things.

Atlantis: 3.7:

  • The not Joey Pants guy from The Goonies returns. For some reason, I thought he was dead. But he’s not. And he captures Shepard. He’s hoping to use him for leverage to regain control of his planet from the nerdy guy that killed Colm Meaney.
  • Shepard kinda befriends the wraith they’re keeping in the next cell for the purposes of torturing him.
  • Shepard is in full old guy makeup after a few wraith feedings, so I can only imagine his wraith buddy will figure out a way to transfer the energy he steals off the guards back to Shepard, or else he’s going to have to be in old guy makeup for the duration of the series.
  • And, yep, in the end, he reverse-feeds and regains his youth.

SG-1: 10.8:

  • Farscape chick is abducted by some Goa’uld collaborators on Earth and they attempt to monkey with her brain. But the SGC conducts raids on their places and she manages to escape, but due to the brain monkeying, she has no idea who she is. Which leads to her working as a waitress in Bob Pinciotti‘s restaurant.
  • She eventually ends up with a cop who posts her picture for the world to try to figure out who she is, resulting in the good and bad guys trying to pick her up, She gets taken away by the bad guys first, obviously, and then there’s a chase. New Guy impressively uses his turn signal while weaving through traffic on a motorcycle to try to chase her down.
  • Eventually, blah blah blah, she gets her memory back. And they give her SG-1 patches for her uniform! Awesome episode conclusion, uniform patches! Feel the excitement!

Atlantis: 3.8:

  • McKay’s sister comes up with some fancy math but won’t sign the NDA to be let in on the big stargate secret, so they send McKay to convince her. She’s married to a guy named Miller so that the title can be “McCay and Mrs. Miller.” Which I bet they thought was really clever.
  • Her math will help make the giant ZPM they tried to make that one time. Since they accidentally destroyed a solar system the last time they tried this, this time, they decide to test it in Atlantis, perhaps the single stupidest idea they’ve ever had.
  • It ends up causing horrible problems in an alternate universe, according to a “cool guy” alt-McKay who appears almost magically. So there’s lots of split-screening for the whole rest of the episode.

SG-1: 10.9:

  • Carter is on board the Wedding Singer guy’s ship investigating another Ori supergate when instead they end up in a minefield. The previouslies included the guys who I think they screwed over on a fake drug deal? I dunno. But I assume it will be them behind the minefield, and indeed it is.
  • And the Wedding Singer guy dies, which I’m kinda glad about. He’s fine as an actor I guess but all I can think about him is that he’s a dick who’s trying to marry Drew Barrymore.
  • New guy pretends to be some bigwig in the organization that captured Carter. Where an actual actor would have lots of fun having his character pretend to be evil, this guy has no range at all, so his voice gets slightly deeper and that’s it.
  • Anyway, a bunch of finagling and they rescue everyone.

Atlantis: 3.09:

  • A team on an expedition goes missing, so they send the main guys to investigate. And they find a machine that makes people go crazy or something. Also, the dialer for the gate gets blown up.
  • Lots of hallucinations, and eventually they figure it out.

Atlantis: 3.10:

  • They’ve been trying to set up a intergalactic gate system where they float gates at regular intervals between Atlantis and Earth so they can make the trip rather quickly. While testing, they encounter an Atlantean ship that’d been traveling at near light speed for… a really long time. Fleeing Atlantis to get to Earth.
  • They think they’re going to bring the Atlanteans home and learn how all these gadgets work, but instead they press a few buttons and tell the Earth people to get the eff out of their city. They agree to let one person stay behind, and for some reason Robert Picardo gets that job. Obviously, something’s gonna happen this episode or next to change this fact, or the series would be over.
  • The Atlanteans are all cocky that the replicator guys who built that replica Atlantis can’t harm them because it’s embedded in their programming to not harm their makers. And when Atlantis messed with their programming, it may have allowed them to remove that little part. So the replicators go and beat the snot out of the Atlanteans who didn’t even bother to try to defend themselves.
  • Anyway, the main four people from the show are told to sit and do nothing, but they decide instead to steal a jumper and gate to the pegasus galaxy to rescue the city.
  • And we get a to be continued right as they jump into Atlantis, so the next episode should just be one big battle.

Atlantis: 3.11:

  • The plan is to pick up that one replicator from space, reprogram him, and mess up all the replicators in Atlantis all at once.
  • Unfortunately, the guy from space comes to life before they can reprogram him, so they have to shoot him.
  • The plan now is to rig all the shield generators with C4. When the Atlanteans turn on their shields, the C4 will go off. This means when Daedalus arrives, the shields will go down, and they can just beam a nuke on board.
  • Or, in a Leverage-style twist, that was not the plan at all, they just said it was so the replicators would think that’s what it is. The real plan is to rig their fancy new anti replciator weapons to the shield generators so that it’ll bust them up all at once.
  • That totally works, and despite disobeying direct orders and stealing stuff, everyone gets their jobs back and we return to the status quo.

Atlantis: 3.12:

  • The viewing order has me doing several Atlantis episodes in a row, so that’s nice. This episode opens with GoT guy being angry, the suggestion that he learn meditation, and subsequent easy joke where he appears to be learning meditation but is in fact asleep. So I figure this will be the now third episode in which he will get some real story.
  • But maybe not, McCay is obsessing over the whale-like things that live in the water, and the rest of the city is experiencing mass hallucinations.
  • Apparently being near the whales is super dangerous because of their echolocation. Which may also be related to the hallucinations, because there are apparently a big pile of whales headed towards the city.
  • So it all has to do with a crazy sunspot that’s about to destroy the planet Atlantis is on, and the whales know about it because they have animal instincts or whatever, so they come up with a ridiculous plan to stop it, which McCay repeatedly says won’t work and it wouldn’t except the sun spot thing lasts shorter than they expected. Which is dumb.

Atlantis: 3.13:

  • Supposedly, there’s some kinda superhero on some backwards planet, so we’re off to check it out. Everyone talks about him like he’s super awesome, and that makes me wonder if Richard Kind is back again. Which he is.
  • He has one of the personal force field thingies, so he is basically invincible.
  • I get the impression he’s hiring people to attack from time to time so he can look heroic and they will treat him like a king. Which he is. I’m kicking ass at calling these things in this episode.
  • But upon confronting him about it, the people in the town rally behind Richard Kind. When suddenly that guy from The Goonies shows up. And some stuff happens and they actually totally kill him.

Atlantis: 3.14:

  • While investigating some previously unexplored part of the city, some kind of electricity zaps McKay, the mind-blowing results of which will have to wait until after the opening credits to be revealed.
  • And apparently he has super powers. Mind reading, telekinesis, super intelligence, and probably more.
  • Crazy super powers, which obviously can’t stick around, so it’s about to go awry. And apparently it’s going to evolve him to the point where he has to ascend or die. So he either needs to become some sort of zen dude or figure out how to reverse the process.
  • Just as he’s about to die, he unsurprisingly figures out how to save himself.

Atlantis: 3.15:

  • Deputy Andy goes to a planet that has satellites in orbit but looks pretty primitive. Except they have flags with McKay’s face on them.
  • McKay and Shepard have been playing a Civ type game they found on ancient computers, and it takes 5 minutes to arrive at the obvious development that the game is real. Their orders in the game are transmitted to an “oracle” thing that they receive instructions from and believe religiously.
  • McKay’s village is lead by the lovely Laura Harris, who I’m surprised to learn is older than me. She always looks quite young. Shepard’s leader is some dude. Considerably less lovely.
  • The two villages were quite peaceful with each other until Shepard and McKay started playing, so… oops. For some reason they think it’s a good idea to just reveal the truth to them, rather than just go back, give a few benevolent instructions, and then instruct them not to listen to the oracle thing anymore.
  • As anyone with half a brain could see coming, the two villages react poorly to learning that they’ve been pawns in a game. And they stop listening to the Atlantis people and start a war between the villages.
  • They eventually come up with a way to fake a disastrous war and convince the two sides to not war.

Atlantis: 3.16:

  • Exploring an abandoned moon base orbiting a dead planet, they find some people in stasis and wake them up.
  • Some shit happens and they get trapped, because that’s what happens when you wake people up after hundreds of years in stasis on a moon base.
  • And then they figure out a way out that involves a dramatic spaceflight skimming across the atmosphere and some other stuff.

SG-1: 10.10:

  • Now, with the string of Atlantis episodes, it’ll be SG-1-heavy for a while. Staring here, the first of a two parter that is either the umpteenth time they stretch out this whole “finding Merlin’s weapon” thing that I expected to be resolved forever ago, or the actual finding of Merlin’s weapon.
  • So they go where the thing supposedly is, only Ba’al has been there before and the Ori are hot on their tails.
  • There are a bunch of traps in the way, including a “time distortion field maze,” where they were relying on readings from a fancy tricorder thing, even though I was yelling at the TV to just throw a handful of dirt, and only walk where the dirt falls to the ground at normal speed. Eventually, the tricorder gives out, and they use a variation of my dirt throwing strategy to get out.
  • The traps seem to take on an Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade flavor, coming just shy of declaring that only the penitent man will pass. They’re all higher tech, though. But when Jackson translates the ancient into English, he does so in bullshit important-sounding Olde English.
  • This local guy who has been helping them turns out to be Morena Baccarin in disguise. She’s not doing orange eyes anymore, which is good, because orange eyes aren’t hot.
  • It looked like they were finally going to get it, but then it turned out to be a hologram or something, and a dragon showed up. And this will be picked up in the next episode.

SG-1: 10.11:

  • The special effects for the dragon are surprisingly not that crappy. They made a point last episode to say that you had to know the name of the dragon and that Ba’al knew the name. So when confronted by it, they… run from the dragon and decide it’s hopeless without bringing up the whole dragon’s name thing at all.
  • When hiding in the forest, they finally bring up the name thing, and Ba’al apparently lied about that so they’d bring him along.
  • They finally go to pick up Merlin’s weapon and again it’s a hologram. They will not give up until they run out of ways to stretch this as far as they can possibly stretch this. Touching the hologram this time teleports everyone but Morena Baccarin to what appears to be Merlin’s home, where he’s been in stasis the whole time.
  • Some stuff, Merlin offs himself and gives Daniel his knowledge in the process. Which will allow him to eventually build Merlin’s weapon. Which is not a short process, apparently. So they continue to stretch this crap out.
  • And Morena Baccarin captures Jackson, I think before he can finish the weapon.

Atlantis: 3.17:

  • Teyla is on her way to lunch with someone we’ve never seen before, doubles back because she forgot something, and there’s a giant explosion behind her. Initially, I thought we’d be morning the tragic loss of Idon’tknowhername, Teyla’s previously unknown best friend. But instead, we’re treated to a series of flashbacks showing what happens leading up to the explosion. Mostly slice of life crap. Teyla has the hots for someone, though nobody says who. Weir has the hots for previously unseen beardy guy. McKay has the hots for redhead botanist girl. Khal Drogo thinks golf is boring. Nobody wants to go fishing with Scottish Doctor.
  • This is all a boring aside, because this episode is about explosive tumors, which is kind of a ridiculous but awesome concept.
  • Scottish Doctor gets to be heroic, insisting on removing the explosive tumor rather than giving up on the guy. But in an actual surprise twist, he ends up saving the guy but dying (along with a redshirt ordinance disposal guy). The lesson here: if given a choice of parts in a Stargate series, pick anything but the doctor. Because no one else seems to die (permanently) other than the doctors.
  • At the memorial on Atlantis, they have a bagpipe player. I wonder how much it cost to send the bagpipe guy and his kilt to another galaxy.

SG-1: 10.12:

  • So apparently Jackson did finish the Merlin thing, which confuses the hell out of me, because I was pretty damn sure he didn’t finish the thing. Anywyay, it’s not a weapon at all, but a way to make stuff invisible to the Ori, rendering their minions powerless. But nobody seems at all concerned that Jackson is missing. I guess because he died before and ended up fine, that makes them confident in his survival skills.
  • Some boring stuff happened and my attention wandered, but they finished the episode without rescuing Jackson or accomplishing anything of note. It was some business about how gods deserving of worship wouldn’t ask you to kill innocents, and didn’t fit at all with my reading of this Ori thing as atheist propoganda.

Atlantis: 3.18:

  • The team heads underwater to check out a geothermal plant at the bottom of the ocean. It’s been abandoned for who knows how long, and as soon as they show up, Teyla senses a wraith (except it’s not a wraith, as they showed us quickly in a tease before the credits, it’s some kind of fish monster). Because nothing could possibly go wrong, she tries to make contact. And totally unexpectedly, she turns temporarily evil, kicking Khal Drogo in the balls and monkeying with the plant.
  • The fish monster is a woman and has mind control powers. So things are not looking up.
  • Apparently, she is a wraith, even though she’s much more blue/green than the other wraith and with dark hair.
  • The queen manages to steal a piece of information from Teyla’s head that we, the audience, were not privy too, so clearly it’s a made up memory and therefore a trap.

SG-1: 10.13:

  • Carter is pulled through into an alternate universe by an alt-Carter’s experiment. The other universe’s SGC is run by Gen. Hammond and President Beau Bridges, alt-Carter used to be married to McKay, Jackson is captured, Teal’c left, and Deputy Andy runs SG-1 instead of new guy.
  • This world is under direct threat from the Ori, and luckily Carter got sucked through with the Ori-proof-invisiblity thing. She saves their asses and then sets out to work on a way to get home, but they need her to help protect their Earth and as a hero to support their oppressive government that’s done away with civil liberties and democracy. Oddly, I found the early seasons to be quite conservative, but this is a very heavy-handed anti-Patriot Act thing. When she speaks out, they agree to let her go because she’s suddenly more trouble than she’s worth.
  • And, hey, when she comes back they do mention offhand that Jackson is still captured, so they haven’t completely forgotten him.

Atlantis: 3.17:

  • Last Atlantis episode for a while, as the spreadsheet has me running out the 10th season of SG-1 after this.
  • The previouslies have this being about the retrovirus thing again, which makes me wonder if they’ll have to come up with a new doctor, or if they’ll just have McKay and Czech guy handle the medical technobabble. Actually, now that I think of it, Jewel Staite will presumably be the new doctor. Because there’s no way she’s not there to start season 4. I hope.
  • Anyway, they go to where the supervolcano people resettled, but instead find cocoon-like pods where these weird alien-y things are hatching. So, you know, something sinister. Which has to involve somehow the as-yet-unmentioned retrovirus.
  • They lampshade the similarities to Aliens, since they’re going down a series of hallways that appear to be inside a factory that just makes steam, tracking some of the pod monster things via blips on a tricorder thingy, and they’re practically wearing space marine gear.
  • And they appear to have brought back the engineer from Enterprise, hence the previouslies.
  • Apparently he’s making an army of the alien monster things because he’s too human for the wraiths and too wraithy for the humans, so he just wants to kill everyone.
  • Anyway, they escape. All those supervolcano escapees are dead, and some red shirts, but the main guys get by just fine.

SG-1: 10.14:

  • After a couple episodes of totally ignoring Jackson and anything that mattered, we get back to it here. The Ori representative on this particular planet is supposed to be all hooded and mysterious, but his distinctive Canadian accent reveal him to be Jackson well before the dramatic music accompanies him pulling back his hood to show his face. So he’s been turned or whatever.
  • Or not, he immediately reveals that it was a ruse to let Morena Baccarin think he’d been turned. And as far as ruses go, one that involves making out with her are pretty good ones to be involved with.
  • But Robert Picardo doesn’t believe it, and wants to have Jackson killed. Which is totally going to happen, because the good guys so often execute one of their people because he might have been turned by the enemy.
  • So when they go to say they’re going to put him in stasis, Jackson reveals he’s quite a bit more powerful than previously thought, takes control of the ship, beams the crew safely to earth and O’Neill on board, and heads off to do whatever the hell his master plan is. It does involve completing the weapon that they’ve been after for what seems like 3 seasons (and that I thought they were saying was the invisibility thing, but apparently it’s not).
  • Anyway, they have the weapon and I think everything’s going good but it’s still boring, so I wasn’t completely paying attention.

SG-1: 10.15:

  • So they’re probably going to resolve the bit with the narcotic corn cartel or whatever. Unbeknownst to SG-1, the guy that runs it has put a bounty on their heads. So they go off like everything’s fine, new guy takes Farscape chick to his high school reunion because he’s an idiot, Teal’c heads back to the Jaffa world, and Carter goes to a conference with bald scientist.
  • Carter and bald guy have to pretend their technology isn’t as impressive as it is, and an assassin takes a shot at her. Most notably from this storyline, there’s an extra with a truly impressive red afro.
  • Vala (whose name I think I’m gonna remember now) predictably ruins everything at the reunion. She tells new guy’s mom that they bang all the time, and by bringing her along he cockblocks himself with the girl he crushed on all through high school.
  • They get to work in a record scratch when an assassin shows up at the reunion. Obviously, they end up surviving. But some random guy at the reunion appears to have had his neck broken.
  • Apparently they resolve the price on their head by putting a bigger price on the head of the corn cartel guy. Which seems fairly dickish, for a show that usually makes these people quite honorable.

SG-1: 10.16:

  • In search of an ancient cache of weapons, they gate to somewhere. From a normal gate area, new guy and Teal’c head somewhere else. New guy says they “stepped into an architectural time machine,” when it actually looks like they’re in the halls of a high school. Trophy case, those double doors they have in every school, etc. They were expecting to find it deserted, but there’s people who think they’re some kind of rebels. And one of the people is Joshua Malina.
  • So they end up accidentally taking hostages. They seem to do a great deal of thinking about how to last long enough to escape without dying, but they never think about regularly releasing single hostages. Every hour, let one go, and they won’t assault the place for a long ass time.
  • Instead, they keep up the hostage taking ruse which can go horribly wrong, and almost does.

SG-1: 10.17:

  • On the Jaffa homeworld, SG-1 finds Teal’c and Sal Bass barely alive after some sort of attack. Teal’c has a coma dream where there’s some hot girl, and we get the return of hot doctor Lexa Doig.
  • Since the Jaffa politics episodes are generally my least favorite, I’m mostly just hoping at some point they reveal who that hot girl was. She didn’t have any dialog, so it could just be that she was a hot extra. Which would be weird, extras are not usually that eye-catching.
  • Tragically, the extra never shows up again. Also, Teal’c stabs some guy.

SG-1: 10.18:

  • Fred Willard guest stars as Vala’s father. They actually do take a minute to lampshade the difference in accents.
  • Strangely, 2 episodes from the end, this seems to have nothing at all to do with the Ori. And the last few episodes have been kinda just dicking around, too.
  • They use the daddy issues there to play into the daddy issues between hot doctor and Beau Bridges. Which is boring, but means screen time for hot doctor.
  • And Teal’c goes to see the Vagina Monologues. This episode is dumb.

SG-1: 10.19:

  • Back to real plot, they have an actually slick trap to capture Morena Baccarin. But Ba’al shows up and takes her instead (but for some reason lets SG-1 live, even though he easily could’ve killed them).
  • He plans to put a Goa’uld symbiote into her. I assume it’s a clone of his own.
  • And she is infected with, apparently, a clone of Ba’al, but she gets re-captured by SG-1.
  • They pull the symbiote out of her, but her body’s dying. She tries to kill everyone with her powers, but she ascends instead. So, yeah, the series finale will presumably be about the fight to defeat ascended Morena Baccarin.

SG-1: 10.20:

  • The Asgard are dying, and they’ve decided to give all their technological secrets to Earth. Which is kinda cool. But a bad sign for actually resolving anything in this episode. I guess they were planning the TV movies ahead of time.
  • After the handoff of all the Asgard info to the Prometheus (or Daedalus or something), the Ori attack. A somewhat boring space battle ensues, with shaking sets and sparks from control panels in a classic Star Trek sorta way.
  • Nearly dying, they randomly use some Asgard tech to avoid death without much of a plan. They trap themselves in a time bubble, and will have to spend months on the ship trying to find a way out.
  • They go kinda stir crazy, resulting in a totally weird TV hookup, in which Jackson is an enormous asshole to Vala, and then they bang. I think they’re going for the idea that the fact that she was actually hurt by his assholishness shows him a new side of her or some bullshit, but I didn’t buy it. Then we’re treated to a montage of stir craziness set to CCR. Which is weird.
  • They skip ahead 20 years trapped on the ship, where they have apparently figured out how to power the ship and feed everyone (and get the whatever I-don’t-need-a-symbiote injections for Teal’c) ad infinitum, and everyone’s old.
  • Since it would be a total bummer to end with everyone growing old and dying stranded in nearly frozen time, they figure out a way to undo it.
  • And it kinda ends with a totally gay non-ending.

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