Pointless Nonsense

Posted in tv by Bill on June 2, 2011

More than any season up to this point, season 4 had me really losing interest at times. We’ll see how long this lasts.

Episode 1:

  • That’s two season premieres in a row where several people have different haircuts. Amanda Tapping looks much improved. Teal’c has grown a weird blond soul patch for some reason.
  • Every time an Asgardian shows up, O’Neill assumes its Thor. So far, he’s been right every time, but I doubt he could tell one Gray from another.
  • This show repeatedly takes an absurdly optimistic view of people’s level of xenophobia. People are extremely trusting of aliens.

Episode 2

  • The gate on earth opens and a transmission featuring the distinctive voice of Rene Auberjonois (whose name I spelled right on the first try) claiming to be a group in distress needing earth’s aid.
  • For about the sixth time, someone on SG-1 is all “but General…” and explains why he’s wrong for shooting them down, only to get interrupted by the General saying yes to their plan. So SG-1 goes to their planet to help them, but Rene Auberjonois freaks out over Teal’c, so I assume he’s going to be a secret xenophobe or some other kinda evil dude. Especially when it starts going well, and they start talking about trading earth’s resources for awesome technology, it’s obviously going to go south. The as-yet-unseen enemy of these people will probably turn out to be black people.
  • Ooh, I was pretty close, they’re eugenicists, and they call their enemies “breeders” for reproducing indiscriminately.

Episode 3:

  • Vanessa Angel comes through the gate to give SG-1 wristbands that give them super powers. So… double bonus. I haven’t thought about her in years. Unfortunately, after Weird Science and Kingpin, she got slightly weird looking.
  • Anyway, I could see them getting special powers if it was after enduring some difficult trial to get them. But since a hot alien just walked up and handed them to them, things will obviously go horribly wrong.
  • And it becomes a serious of superpowers-gone-wrong cliches. A tap on the shoulder sends a guy to the hospital, newfound strength causes excessive confidence which leads to a (lopsided) bar fight.

Episode 4:

  • Salman Rushdie sends a kinda hot girl through the gate in a robe, who then removes her robe and becomes more than kinda hot. The actress looks quite familiar, and she’s been in dozens of things I’ve seen but nothing jumps out at me. Vanessa Angel also returns, so this episode is quite cleavagey.
  • The new girl is a jaffa(or however that’s spelled) and says she learned to communicate with her Goa’uld and it is willing to join the Tok’ra, but what if it’s pulling a fast one and infiltrating the Tok’ra or just trying to take control of someone sympathetic to the Tok’ra instead of a Goa’uld slave person.
  • Earth and the Tok’ra have an alliance based on us shipping them willing hosts, presumably dying people who have passed rigorous background checks, but we have never seen evidence that that’s ever started. But the Tok’ra do have a host for the possibly not-evil Goa’uld symbiote, played by that one guy from Highlander: the Series.
  • For a second, I thought they were going to go for a thing where the Goa’uld was hot for his former host, and jealous of the fact that she wants to bang Teal’c, but instead it was all a ruse, and it’s just evil.

Episode 5:

  • A human representative in diplomatic negotiations kills some Tok’ra and then himself. Vanessa Angel, in a weird top that looks like a plastic mold of her breasts, explains that the guy was a victim of Goa’uld mind control. They’ve been making O’Neill super distrustful of the Tok’ra lately and pretty hostile towards Vanessa Angel, so I feel like he might bang her at some point.
  • The plot of the episode becomes about finding any other mind controlled people, which involves strapping them to chairs and having flashbacks (including a lot of clips of the very recent superpowers episode).
  • She does basically offer herself up on a platter to O’Neill, but he turns her down because he’s gay or something. And also because she threw him and Carter in holding cells because they appear to be mind controlled. But it turns out the machine flagged them as mind controlled because they’re lying to themselves about being in love with each other, which is an incredibly lame way to resolve this episode.

Episode 6:

  • They go with the old time loop scenario here, where only O’Neill and Teal’c are aware that they’re looping. This invites comparisons to the ST:TNG episode where Data kept dealing out 3’s, and obviously this episode does not look good, relatively speaking.
  • About two loops in, I wondered why O’Neill, with no repercussions to his actions as long as he’s looping, didn’t take the opportunity to bang Carter, having just basically professed his desire to do so last episode. Eventually he does kiss her once… I guess I’m thinking more from the viewpoint of the character, while the writers have to consider the fangirls like Geebs who would find it anticlimactic if he banged her in a timeline that she didn’t remember.
  • They obviously get out of the loop, but they say in the end that the rest of the galaxy was experiencing time normally. So several months passed while Earth (other than Teal’c and O’Neill) only perceived one day. That’s a totally weird concept, and I think astronomers would totally notice something crazy had happened.

Episode 7

  • The Russians have a stargate?! This would be much cooler if it took place in the cold war. Putting us on the brink of war would be much cooler than a slightly tricky diplomatic type incident.
  • Marina Sirtis plays the Russian version of Carter, which is totally weird. She’s all… Russian sounding.

Episode 8

  • Jackson is a kidnapped by a thing that kinds looks like a Narn from B5, but feral. He spends the whole episode trying to communicate with it, but not in a cool Darmock and Jalad at Tanagra kinda way.
  • Some of the humans might be secretly Goa’uld infected, so there’s a “who can we trust?” angle to this, but since it’s the main characters plus a couple of red shirts, one who’s acting like a dick, it’s obviously the other one.
  • After the time looping episode, this is two straight that have really failed to hold my attention.

Episode 9:

  • SG-1 relocates a people from a dying world to a new planet. And the leader’s son is Gaeta (who is straight in this, even though I totally think of him as gay now). Everything seems cool until a giant ship comes along torching the surface of the planet as it goes. Oops. It appears to be another race in the process of terraforming the world because their planet died, and this one was uninhabited when they started the process.
  • In a “totally unexpected twist”, they figure out a way for the two races to both survive.

Episode 10:

  • SG-1 is enslaved in what looks like a factory that produces nothing but sparks, and only Teal’c seems to remember who they are.
  • It’s on an ice planet, and the spark factory is apparently there to keep everything from freezing. SG-1 and a bunch of other people don’t think they’re slaves, but that’s because they don’t know there’s a crime-free utopia that lives on the heat and power provided by them.
  • They do the classic SciFi thing in which they slowly recover their memories, thinking they’re crazy at first, then hatch a plan to get back at those that invaded their minds.
  • Apparently, we’ve taken the initiative to just hand out uninhabited paradise-like planets willy-nilly, since the slave people get one in this episode, too. We’re not worried about global warming or running out of resources in the Stargate universe?

Episode 11:

  • SGC gets a call from a conspiracy nut (who even mentions the Lizard People) whose voice I instantly recognize as Willie Garson’s. He somehow knows Jack O’Neill’s name and about the existence of the stargates and demands a meeting with O’Neill in Billings, MT (which is somewhere I’ve been, and it’s not very interesting).
  • He meets with O’Neill right off the bat, knows a ton about the stargate program, and claims to be not from earth, so it’s obvious that something strange will be up with him. And soon enough, we’re introduced to Aaron Doral from BSG, who has a camera in Willie Garson’s apartment and is part of some Men in Black type group.
  • Willie Garson, Aaron Doral, and the other MIBs are all alien deserters from the losing side of a war who decided to hide out on earth, they wiped his memory because he wanted to go back.

Episode 12

  • Mr. X from the X-Files plays a General who is introduced to SG-1 with the quality exhange: “Colonel.” “General.” “Major.” “General.” “Doctor.” “General.” Teal’c isn’t there both because he’s flying an experimental ship, and because his lack of a title would ruin the gag.
  • The ship’s made from Goa’uld ships, and when O’Neill and Teal’c take it out for a second test it activates some kind of auto-return and they get locked out of controls and head into space, leaving them pretty effed.
  • Fortunately, the rest of the plot happens and they’re ok.

Episode 13:

  • Jackson’s old archaeology professor dies, which seems like the setup for a really dull episode. We meet his weird-looking-but-still-hot-thanks-to-her-accent former flame, his douchey rival, and the priest lady from BSG as some sorta museum curator. People start dying, we find out there’s a Goa’uld loose at Jackson’s old department. The douchey guy seems like way too obvious a choice to get the symbiote, so it’s going to end up being the weird looking hot girl.
  • Whenever they use computers, I get completely taken out of the reality of the show and just marvel at how much things have changed. One of those things for holding floppy disks!
  • And it is the hot girl. She’s Osiris, doesn’t kill anyone important, and takes off in a ship that’s been buried in the desert for thousands of years. Setup for future stuff, apparently.

Episode 14:

  • Teal’c gets captured by Goa’uld loyalists on his homeworld, and the rest of SG-1 is on earth involved in a Tok’ra plot to keep the Goa’uld mired in a power struggle.
  • All Teal’c’s scenes are really generic torture scenes where the bad guys do all kinda vicious stuff but Teal’c won’t talk because the writers want us to know what a badass he is.
  • The Tok’ra plan involves running through a field of mines that look like silver and gold TIE interceptors using a code they think they have to deactivate them.
  • The torturer’s assistant was so overwhelmed by Teal’c’s badassedness that he turned on the torturer and helps Teal’c escape. And the Tok’ra plan goes awry, with Apophis in really good shape to rule the Goa’uld solo.

Episode 15:

  • After nearly having to close the iris to kill SG-1, General Hammond decides he’s going to retire. Which, having seen commercials and stuff for later episodes, I’m pretty confident he won’t actually do. Especially when they introduce his replacement, an actor I don’t recognize who doesn’t exactly have much screen presence.
  • It turns out the department of evil, who’s actual name I keep forgetting, insisted the General take more aggressive measures to get alien technology, now that they don’t have their own gate. When he said no, they threatened his grandchildren, so he’s retired. O’Neill is on a cloak and dagger mission to mess with the department of evil and get the General back. It seems like it’s going to be a complicated plan, but he basically holds Senator TheBadGuyFromRobocob hostage until he gets what he needs.
  • Meanwhile, the new boring general almost destroys the earth in his last act as commander of SGC.

Episode 16:

  • 10 years into the future, RobocopBadGuy is President and Earth has crazy advanced technology from an alien race we’ve never heard of. Carter and some guy have been trying unsuccessfully to have a kid, and it turns out she’s barren even though the fancy technology people said she’s fine. Carter and Dr. whatshername discover that the anti-aging serum they’ve given to basically everyone has dropped the fertility rate to next to nothing.
  • The plan is to send a signal back in time to prevent that from happening, which will has to happen (or the series becomes about infertile people in the future with no other problems), but not without 25 minutes of drama over events that soon will have never happened.

Episode 17:

  • The kid fathered by Apophis and Jackson’s wfie is now ~8 and dresses and acts like a Buddhist monk kid (and speaks in retarded metaphors).
  • His whole thing was supposed to be knowing everything his parents knew, but the weird alien thing that has raised him decided the only way for him to not also be evil would be to remove his memories. The Tok’ra think they can restore his memory, but Jackson wants to get his permission first. Instead of submitting to the procedure, he just zaps his memories into Jackson. He knows a lot of stuff now, but unsurprisingly he’s also turning evil.
  • We flash forward a year, and Jackson’s super powerful in the government and has all kinds of lackeys. Obviously this is all in his head from when the kid zapped him, making this the second episode in a row with events that end up not really happening.

Episode 18:

  • A random soldier sprints into the splash thing right as the gate opens, which we’ve been told means he’s dead. And in response, presumably because they were exposed to the same mind-altering mojo, Jackson flips the fuck out.
  • With everyone who went to this one place going crazy and/or suicidal, they naturally send other people there. Good call.
  • Since main characters are affected, they then figure out how to stop it. The end.

Episode 19:

  • O’Neill and Teal’c are babysitting an operation to set up some kinda science station. Carter is guest lecturing at the air force academy, dealing with a brilliant but bitchy cadet. Jackson is nowhere to be seen. And the chief of staff of the air force guest stars as a (hopefully) more wooden version of himself.
  • And the two storylines cross, and a bunch of uninteresting things happen.

Episode 20:

  • In a scenario that’s played out in countless science fiction stories before, a probe to an alien world results in a signal coming back to the SGC that makes sparks come out of keyboards and monitors. Then the computers start behaving strangely, and we learn that it’s an alien intelligence living in the computers.
  • Props for reasonable technical accuracy as they explain that to fully remove the intelligence/virus thing they’ll have to shut everything down, do a low level format, and restore from an offsite backup prior to the infection.
  • The whole thing is rather predictable with the whole “I think it’s trying to communicate!” business you’d expect, until the intelligence hops into Carter (the second time she’s been taken over by an alien), and explains that it came through the gate to destroy Earth. But what could have been kinda cool gets resolved with a few threats and a deus ex machina computer-to-brain transfer.

Episode 21:

  • SG-1 revisits a world I don’t remember, and the natives are pissed, SG-1 is taken captive and Jackson is killed, at which point we find out they’re robots. From that episode a while back where they had robot duplicates made. I hate robot duplicates, so I mentally checked out of this episode, only to notice at the end that they had killed Cronus. So hooray, I guess.

Episode 22:

  • The Tok’ra confront that guy from Highlander who killed Teal’c’s lady friend, telling him they’ve known all along that he was a spy for Apophis.
  • Naturally, he escapes and things go horribly wrong.
  • Teal’c appears to have died and O’Neill, Jackson, Carter, and her Dad appear forever lost in space, with Apophis ready to kill them just to make it that much worse. And that’s where the cliffhanger goes.

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